all there is...

rats. mice. kids that are embarrassed of you, hate you, despise you...but love the meal you buy at a restaurant...i don't think i was ever as contemptuous of my parents as these three are of me. go ahead. live your lives. mine's more than half done, if i'm realistic. maybe almost done. might not be the worst thing. it's all for nothing. it's all a little not big joke...it's nothing. just be careful. you can have your fun. just stay alive and safe to humor me while i'm alive. and when i'm gone you can do whatever the fuck you want. just leave me alone except to text me that you're alive. i want to check into a holiday inn by myself with a stack of magazines and books and no phone calls. just me, reading and some food, drink now and then. i am nothing to nobody, and that would be fine except why does nobody need nothing all the time except for the fun? i hate everything.

i'm sorry for kelly preston and john travolta to lose their son.